Musing on March 21, 2004….

I am not someone who is into the whole concept of  “family”.  For example, where many people would forgive the transgressions of their family members, either upon themselves or other family members, I am not like that.  Well, I am not forgiving when the transgressions aren’t of an accidental nature—mistakes can be made.  Those that have been accidental, been the results of a mistake (in other words “ unpremeditated”), those I have forgiven.  Some things cannot be forgiven and other things, even if the result of a mistake, if repeated, if there are no lessons learned…. I have had to distance myself from repeated mistakes and transgressions, for my own sanity, for my own survival, my own peace of mind.  

With that extended preface’s sentiment expressed, let me say that I find it interesting to dip my toe back into the water once in awhile.  I don’t mind doing this with my family because it reminds me of what I escaped from.  It’s nice to remember all that, it puts the other things going on in my life in perspective.  The chaos that I lived within years ago still exists—my sister still battles against addiction, gleaning from each round “won” transient revelations before she slips slowly back into the breach;  my brother continues to scheme and spend in exorbitant amounts, never considering tomorrow;  my father still the functioning alcoholic, and still footing the bill for the rest of the family….

Except me.  This is the other thing that I am happy about: The fact that I am not reliant on my father for the simple act of living day to day.  Yes, it took me more years than I like to admit to come to my senses and leave.  For awhile, I kind of gave up, settled into laziness and being unmotivated, suckling off the parental teat, trying to get by doing as little as possible…. I was horrible, at times, I really was.  When I finally was able (and had to) get my own car insurance, that was the moment that I was truly free, that I no longer needed my father for support, where I could stand on equal footing with him, in a sense.   Such an inconsequential act to revel in?  Well, yeah.  Not all symbols are so brazen and ostentatious.

So, yes, anytime that I talk to my family or visit the small town (village, hamlet?) where I grew up, I am reminded of the good times (there were quite a few of those) and the bad.  And I revel and learn as much as I can from the reminiscing.

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